Monday, 20 April 2015

The Whores to Cuddle

Season 5:
Episode 1
The Wars to Come


Summary:
In a flashback, a young Cersei is told a somber fortune by a witch. After Tywin's burial, Cersei chastises Jaime for freeing Tyrion and their cousin Lancel returns, now a devout religious man.

In Pentos, a despondent Tyrion agrees to accompany Varys to Meereen to support Daenerys's claim.

In Meereen, the insurgent "Sons of the Harpy" murder an Unsullied, and Hizdahr zo Loraq and Daario Nahaaris try to convince Daenerys to reopen the traditional fighting pits. Daenerys' locked-away dragons breathe fire at her when she comes to check on them.

In the Vale, Littlefinger puts Robyn in the care of House Royce and leaves with Sansa, their caravan passing Brienne of Tarth and Podrick Payne.

At the Wall, Stannis wants to enlist the Wildlings in his war against Roose Bolton. Jon Snow is unable to convince Mance Rayder to bend the knee to Stannis, who then has Mance burned alive for treason.

Ravens:
Mood before the episode was:

20:59 Two minutes. If I see spoilers now... I'm killing the
person above me.

And then Opening Titles happened!
21:00 SING! SING! SING! #GameofThrones
21:02 And those lovely shiny titles are back.
#GameofThrones

And a prophecy with hairstyling...
21:03 Bitchy in girlhood, bitchy as a woman. Born bitchy.
#GameofThrones
21:05 Also... I've had more or less the same hairstyle on and
off for forty years? #GameofThrones
21:06 Why is @MaggytheFrog hot? Why? Why?
Why?#GameofThrones
21:07 Yay! The prophecy... #GameofThrones
21:07 Also... Twenty children? Robert sure got busy...
#GameofThrones

Then Tywins corpse. And Cersei and Jaime:
21:09 To be honest I'm trying hard not to laugh at those
stone eyes. #GameofThrones
21:10 Also everyone's getting my wrath this year. Have you
noticed? #GameofThrones

Tyrion is unboxed like a Nameday gift:
21:11 So...That's what they mean by a dick in a box.
#GameofThrones
21:12 So... Its a fucking crate? That explains all the holes in
it then. #GameofThrones
21:13 Tyrion is as classy as ever. Also... Love the beard.
#GameofThrones

Today had to share that pic of Daddy's face again:
21:16 #ThatAwkwardMoment when you find your dead
fathers face amusing. #GameofThrones

Dany commits vandalism.
21:19 That poor Harpy was one day away from retirement.
#GameofThrones

Unsullied love hugs. Apparently:
21:20 What is this? The mystery of the pillar and the stones
now? #GameofThrones
21:21 So...This was not that Unsullied's lucky day. All he
wanted was a nice cuddle... #GameofThrones

BAE be jealous:
21:23 Missandei checking on Grey Worms cuddling habits.
#GameofThrones

Jon Snow's hair makes a great comeback:
21:24 You have real pretty hair Jon Snow... Isn't that the
boy who gave him his Ygrittes? #GameofThrones
21:25 @inechanm i know. I'm disappointed too. #Laughs
21:25 Melisandre wants Jon. Melisandre is always extremely
hot. #GameofThrones
21:26 STANNIE!!! #GameofThrones
21:27 Yay! Unlike Dany...Stannis actually intends to do
something about his REAL enemies. #GameofThrones

Littlefinger takes Sansa on a carriage tour of Westeros:
21:29 Goth Sansa. #GameofThrones

Brienne and Pod blunder by:
21:30 Where is Brienne? Still wandering? Okay then.
#GameofThrones
21:30 Bitchy Brienne and Puppy Pod. #GameofThrones
21:31 Oh Brienne... Sansa was literally just there.
#GameofThrones

Loras attempts rambling, neverending sympathy:
21:32 Oh Loras. She's gonna fuck you up. #GameofThrones

Pycelle Friendzoned. Lancel: Sparrowzoned?
21:32 Pycelle has been friendzoned. Also hey Lancel.
#GameofThrones
21:34 Lancel wants forgiveness? He knows too much. Kill
him. Kill him now. There's a helpful window right
there. #GameofThrones

Loras has Olyvar comfort him. With his penis:
21:36 Loras is being comforted and Margaery just bursts in.
Awkward. #GameofThrones

Margaery barges in and spoils his fun:
21:37 Oh Loras. You sex mad fool. Wait... Margaery seems to
like me now? I'm confused... #GameofThrones
21:39 @Margaery_Tyrell It sounds like you like me. You
REALLY like me. #Laughs

Thrones around the world baby:
21:41 And #GameofThrones is trending in the UK. Woo!

Back with Tyrion. Still drinking:
21:42 And Tyrion is still drunk and depressed. Serves him
right. Bloody Kinslayer. #GameofThrones
21:43 @Dany_Stormborn_ @HBO_UK Kinky.
21:44 "Who said anything about him?" #GameofThrones
21:44 @HBO_UK Me? #Laughs

Daario returns from wherever he went, makes bedroom eyes at Dany:
21:45 You and Daario are so going to bed. Priorities Dany.
Priorities. #GameofThrones

Dany and Daario in bed: Daario butt:
21:46 I knew it! #GameofThrones
21:49 Just show the damn dragons! Enough pointless talking!
#GameofThrones

Dany, FINALLY, visits her dragons. And they hate her now:
21:49 And the angry teenagers no longer love their Mother.
No surprise there. #GameofThrones
21:50 This is what you get when you chain up your children
for a while. #GameofThrones

Jon Snow tries to persuade Mance to dance to a different tune. One that won't end in a fiery death:
21:51 Mance is awesome. Enough said. #GameofThrones
21:52 @HBO_UK Everything is my fault. Apparently.

Woo! Tormunds beard!:
21:56 By Tormunds beard! Its Tormund and his luscious
beard. #GameofThrones

Selyse enjoys the fire show:
21:56 Oh hey Selyse! You mad bat. #GameofThrones

21:58 Mance!
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
#GameofThrones
Review:
This episode does a really great job of setting up the storyline's for future episodes of Season Five but feels a little sluggish in places. No doubt the other episodes will go from strength to strength after this one.

The highlights:
Cersei Lannister
Brienne and Pod
Melisandre
Jon Snow and Mance

And those dragons. Wow.  

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